


I Can't

by Lutefiskfisk



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Drug Withdrawal, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Missing Scene, Regret, Season/Series 04, Self-Hatred, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 05:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16907178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutefiskfisk/pseuds/Lutefiskfisk
Summary: Where was Lorna when Nicky was on withdrawal? Missing scene from season 4.





	I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. It irks me tremendously that Lorna is nowhere to be seen in the episode in s4 in which Nicky is detoxing. Honestly, it would've been such a great opportunity for some sweet interactions between them, but we just can't have that, can we? Anyway, it made me write a little something that shows what Lorna was doing at the time. Not exactly sweet, but hopefully going along with canon just fine. 
> 
> Warning: This contains thought processes of a person who doesn't understand addiction at all. 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated!

 

If she could be granted a wish, if she could have the one thing that she wanted most at this very moment, she'd be asking for sleep.

Well, no. What she really wanted was everything to become okay again, but no amount of cosmic energy could fix those metric shit-tons of fuck-up that were going on right now. Sleep, however, would at least allow her to forget, to beam her mind into a better world, and when she woke up, she thought with a naive, childlike sort of hope, maybe everything would be magically back to normal.

But sleep wouldn't come to Lorna. It was impeded by the relentless bright lights and by the incessant cacophony of tense and agitated voices all around her and by her gnawing worry for Red. After all, it was the matriarch's garden in which the dismembered body had been found, if one could believe the rumors. She rolled onto her side, one arm wrapped around her stomach that was burning with anxiety, and nervously chewing on the fingernails of her free hand. How was Red involved in this mess? What would happen to her now? Had she really killed someone? And, if not, who else had, and was that twisted person still on the loose, looking for their next victim?

Normally, when she was feeling like this, she'd turn to Nicky. Nicky, without fail, was always able to talk sense into her and to calm her down. It was a constant in Lorna's life, very much like the blue of the sky and the green of the grass. However, this wasn't an option these days. On the contrary, Nicky had, uncharacteristically, become just _another_ source of grief for Lorna.

At some point, maybe during her stay in Max, but, by the look of things, most likely before, Nicky had relapsed. Lorna had been aware of Nicky's drug addiction, but in all the time that they'd known each other, she'd been so good with her sobriety that it had been easy for the brunette to chuck the topic somewhere into the back of her mind. She'd never seriously considered the possibility of getting confronted with it, and now, not only had it happened, it was also shocking to see how it had changed her friend almost beyond recognition. Nicky, once warm and caring and protective (albeit impulsive sometimes, Lorna had to admit that), was now cold and hurtful and aggressive, driven solely by the selfish urge to either get into her pants or to score more drugs. It was as if an evil force had taken possession of her.

She wondered what she was up to now. They were on lockdown, so they weren't allowed to leave the dorms. Had she found some way to get her hands on gear regardless, or was she now forced to do without? Lorna remembered how Nicky had once explained to her what withdrawal was like. It was a process that could only be summed up as pure agony: painful and disgusting and making you wish that was over, one way or another. She figured that if Nicky had been dry ever since they'd gotten cooped up, the withdrawal must've set in by now. Her stomach made a sickening jolt at the thought that Nicky had to go through it all by herself.

She couldn't allow that, she concluded, as she scrambled to her feet. Considering how their last exchanges back in the cafeteria and at movie night had gone, Lorna was sure that Nicky most likely wouldn't hear her out and that she should keep giving her space, but she just couldn't help it. She _needed_ to see her and to make sure that she was alright. As she made her way to Nicky's cube, however, she became scared. Scared that Nicky wasn't there (because that surely meant that she was shooting up in the toilets or whatever), but also scared of what she'd see if she _was_.

But when she arrived at the cube, the first thing that caught Lorna's eye was the unknown woman that was sitting in a chair right next to Nicky's bunk. She didn't waste a thought on the stranger, though; all she cared about was Nicky, who was lying in her bed, apparently asleep. But it wasn't a peaceful kind of sleep at all: she was tangled in her sheet, tossing and turning and shuddering and occasionally letting out pitiful groans. A gasp escaped Lorna's throat at the gut-wrenching sight before her, and she inched closer, carefully, as though she was approaching a wounded animal that could be escaping or attacking at any given moment if she moved too harshly.

"Is she okay?" Lorna's voice was small after making it past the lump in her throat.

The other woman scoffed. "Are you for real? Does she look _okay_ to you?"

Lorna couldn't bring herself to turn her gaze away from Nicky. Even in her sleep, the blonde seemed to be hurting, and it broke Lorna's heart.

But all the same, she couldn't do anything about the surge of anger that suddenly washed over her. Nicky had done this to herself. This wouldn't be happening if she hadn't given in to those stupid, selfish cravings of hers and remained sober. An ugly, vindictive part of Lorna's thought that it even suited her right. If Nicky had _had_ to abandon her like that, putting her through all those agonizing months without her just for a fucking fix, because she'd deemed consuming that evil substance more important than anything else, more important than _her_ , only to return as this terrible person that treated her so awfully, then this was her rightful punishment and none of Lorna's business. Maybe it would've been better if she'd just remained in Max. Then, she, Lorna, could've remembered Nicky as her former wonderful self instead of having to see her like _this_.

The next moment, she hated herself for thinking these horrible things and for making all of this just about herself.

Nevertheless, she had to let her feelings out on _someone_. She eyed the unknown woman next to her whom she now recognized as Pennsatucky, also known as Doggett, and she decided that she'd be _it_. After all, that fucking hillbilly that had barely exchanged more than ten words with Nicky, ever, had the audacity to intrude into Nicky's cube like that, as though she had the right.

"What the _fuck_ are you even doing here, Doggett?" she hissed.

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Yeah, you heard me right," Lorna said, working herself up into a rant. "You don't have a fucking place in here. But, _oh_ , let me guess - you're here, holding out like a fucking drug vulture, 'cause you just can't wait to get your grubby little hands on what's left of Nicky's stash, isn't that right?"

Doggett jumped from her seat, planting herself in front of Lorna. "The fuck is wrong with you?" she exclaimed. "Who d'you think you are that you think that you can talk to me like that?"

Lorna leant forward, entering Doggett's personal space. "Well, _I'm_ her _friend,_ " she growled with clear emphasis.

Doggett let out a mirthless laugh. "Oh yeah, you're her friend, alright. Then lemme ask you somethin', Looney Tunes: Who distracted her and kept her from goin' up the walls, huh? Who held her hair and gave her a basket to puke in? Who held her while she was shakin' all over 'til she finally fell asleep? Well, it sure as fuck ain't _you_ , Morello, so don't _you_ fuckin' dare gettin' into my face and callin' yourself her _friend_!"

Lorna's insides burned with rage at the injustice of it all. This foul meth head had no business presenting herself as some sort of Redneck Good Samaritan. Not after coming completely out of nowhere and acting all chummy with Nicky, stealing her away from her and playing the hero for things that Lorna would've done in a heartbeat, without a doubt, always and forever, if only...

" _Someone_ had to take care of her, 'cause, y'know, when I first saw her, she was all alone and no-one came checkin' for her in _hours_. So, tell me, Morello, _where_ were _you_ in all that time, huh?" Doggett pressed on, rubbing her message in. "Some fuckin' right _friend_ you are!"

Lorna swallowed, feeling that the other woman's words were starting to make her walls crumble. She hated to admit it, but hearing all these things out loud made her cower in shame. It was the undeniable truth that she'd left Nicky, who, regardless of the circumstances, had always been there for her, to her own devices when she was at her lowest, and it no longer felt satisfying to think of it as _'I'm abandoning you just like you abandoned me'_ or some other despicable sort of mind game. But there were reasons why she'd been staying away, and it wasn't just the bullshit excuse of giving her space. Not just the feeling of let-down and loss after the drugs had ripped this amazing person away from her. Not just the disgust for herself because, even if Nicky hadn't trusted her enough to talk to her about it, she should've seen the signs of her impending downfall and saved her somehow all those months ago. Not just (and it was hard for her to acknowledge it, but it _was_ there) her inability to look Nicky in the eye now that she'd married Vinnie, proof that she'd given up on her, because every time she did, it felt as if masses of ice were dumped right into her stomach.

"Sh-she w-wouldn't have… wouldn't have wanted me here," the brunette stammered, desperate to explain herself in a manner that sounded at least _somewhat_ sane. "The last time we talked, we… we fought. And i-it was bad. Really bad."

"So bad she'd rather go through withdrawal alone than havin' you 'round, right?"

Doggett's voice was dripping with sarcasm, but Lorna really wasn't sure. It was true that she was furious with Nicky and the way she'd been treating her, but she realized that she wasn't entirely without blame herself. She'd been cruel to her as well and she could understand that Nicky was done with her. And now, she was here, making a fucking scene right in front of her and disturbing the peace and quiet that she needed so badly to heal.

She shrugged her shoulders pathetically.

"Look, she _needed_ someone," Doggett said, much gentler, and her tone made Lorna feel as if the woman was explaining a very simple concept to a particularly obtuse toddler. "I've been there. Man, I've fuckin' _seen_ it. She couldn't have gone through it by herself."

Suddenly, Nicky let out a particularly loud groan and Lorna's heart skipped a beat. She looked down at the blonde, expecting her to wake up or to signal that she needed something, but her eyes remained stubbornly closed, face scrunched up in a grimace of pain, and Lorna was overpowered by the wish to hold Nicky tight and to free her of her suffering, to absorb it and to take it all upon herself if she had to, just so that Nicky wouldn't have to go through it any longer. She reached down and tenderly ran her fingertips over the back of her twitching hand, hoping that she could convey all of this through this simple touch, wishing that it would make Nicky understand that she, Lorna, was there for her, and always would be, if she'd ever have her again.

But why would Nicky want her back? She'd been such an asshole after all; even fucking _Doggett_ , who barely knew her, was better for her than she was. Doggett didn't pettily hold Nicky's relapse against her, and she understood better what she needed and how to handle the situation. She, Lorna, on the other hand, was such a goddamn good-for-nothing, self-centered, _crazy_ fuck-up. Done everything wrong. Wrecked another relationship. First Christopher, then Vinnie, and now, _finally_ , Nicky. Every single person that she loved ended up worse off after she'd entered their life, like she was some sick, twisted parasite that sucked all happiness out of them. Maybe she simply wasn't cut out for people. Maybe she should just stop imposing herself on others so that they could lead better, more peaceful lives without being dragged down by her.

"Please tell her I'm sorry," Lorna implored as she left the cube, head hanging.

 


End file.
